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Sisterhood
assembled @ 11:41 p.m. on 2004-01-19

What is the meaning of a dream in which I am standing in line at a maternity clinic--where women are actually having the babies, not just the prenatal care--and I am compelled to sing The Philosopher's Drinking Song? I can't even remember all the words to this song when I'm awake. The subconscious is an overflowing database of seemingly meaningless information, isn't it?

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So I have this friend, D, who's really wonderful, but I am often mystified that she chooses to hang out with me. D's more than a bit like a queen. Very royal, gracious, fashion conscious, but not in an uptight, I-must-have-this-label way, just classy. She's knowledgeable and good at everything, and cool in a "don't fuck with me" kind of way. Like, you know she could totally kick someone's ass, but she wouldn't have to, because she could wither them with a look. Even her children are well-groomed, but not like Stepford children in a Land's End catalog. She loves the heck out of me, and wants to hang out with me, which suprises me somehow. I felt like I was in fourth grade today, when she referred to me as her friend, and all of a sudden, I was at the cool table with the cheerleaders. (D hates cheerleaders, I'm just making a point). I suppose there's something about me that makes me worthy of royal attention, and maybe I just have a hard time acknowledging that. I don't know. I do know that, when I'm in her presence, I have to generate a certain something, to not just be a slack-jawed dimwit, pulling a Wayne's World "I'm not worthy!", falling to my knees in pathetic homage. Strange really. I do have to get over my inferiority complex.

Then I went to my sister's for dinner. Red and I didn't really get along as children. That's putting it mildly. We used to get in knock-down, drag-out fights, literally. Now she's my best friend. The day I was leaving to move to California, she came over to hang out with me, and she told me she was sorry about how she'd treated me. I think that was the beginning of our real, true friendship. She called me the other night, just to tell me that she loved me, that she thinks I am so talented, and an unbelievably great mom. Just because. Not because she had an inoperable brain tumor, but just because. The best reason of all, I think. She asked me if I still thought about how mean she was to me when we were younger and I said yes, but not in the way she was thinking. In the way that, now that we're so close, it just makes that closeness even cooler, if that makes sense. It did to her, and that's what matters.

She was a true sister again today. I started venting to her about Hero's EQ addiction, and lack of ambition to find a job, and about 5 minutes into the conversation, as she just listened objectively, and just got me, I remembered she had an associate's degree in social work. It's too bad she doesn't still work in that field, because she's damn good at it. And I'm really glad she's had that training; my head is clearer about this issue than it's been in eons. Not that the thoughts are any happier. Just clearer, more objective. Someone has helped me sort out the spinny-headed emotions, and nagging and guilt, and someone has listened without saying "you need to do this to make him stop" or "you need to say this to make him get a job", as if I have any control over him. She said, to boil it waaaaay down, that I all I need to do, is figure out what I can live with, and what I can't. That Hero has a problem, and I need to do what's best for me. I'm not quite sure what that is yet. I do know I'm not ready to leave, and I don't think I'll ever be ready for a divorce, but it does help to clearly see that this is the point I'm at. I don't have any pretty, fun thinking to do, but at least now I have a starting point. Thank God for sisters, especially mine.

--N

then || now