I confuse myself sometimes. When I look at all I accomplish without having a screaming aneurysm, I'm impressed, astounded. Yet there's still this poisonous dislike for myself that's starting to creep into everything I do, and everything I am. Like the whole world is turning a sickly, jaded, cynical green, and nothing will ever be good again. Including, and especially, me. I'm not the famous singer I had planned on being. I feel like a slug every time I see a younger person who's wildly successful. Like I'm wasting my life away. My yarn isn't selling well enough to please me, and I think I'm a complete failure. Even in the thing I used to think I was best at: being a mom. I have very frightening thoughts about how the kids would be better off without me. The really stupid thing is, I look at how I'm being, and for the most part, it's not bad. I still can get irrationally crabby, but at least I'm not letting it make me inconsistent with how I manage Pearl. For the most part, I am still remaining rational, if not calm.
The biggest thing that I notice missing is my own idealism, or maybe it was just naivete. I used to believe that people, in general, were good. Or at least that they wanted to be. Now I mostly notice how irrational, selfish and thoughtless people are. Including me. I used to believe there was hope that the world would be a better place, and lately, I've been tired of trying to believe it. Sometimes I think that life is too messed up, and I just want a big do-over.
I know that optimist must still be inside me somewhere, or this all wouldn't bother me so much. I think that if I were a true cynic, this would all be just slightly satisfying, as in "See? I knew it all the time." But it's not. It's just.... sad. I have a feeling that I'd better find that idealistic girl again, or at least the optimistic part of her, maybe a little tarnished, but wiser for it. If I don't find her soon, she may be buried forever.
--N
LATELY
My New Page - 2006-04-15
Life is a Magic Thing, Woah. - 2005-11-18
No Dooce for You! - 2005-11-09
The Nicest Thing Anyone Has Ever Said To Me - 2005-09-05
Ugh. Grunt. Some Other Stuff. - 2005-09-01
RANDOM ENTRY
all words � ME, 2005.