*some assembly required



Are You In There?
assembled @ 5:02 p.m. on 2004-06-22

I confuse myself sometimes. When I look at all I accomplish without having a screaming aneurysm, I'm impressed, astounded. Yet there's still this poisonous dislike for myself that's starting to creep into everything I do, and everything I am. Like the whole world is turning a sickly, jaded, cynical green, and nothing will ever be good again. Including, and especially, me. I'm not the famous singer I had planned on being. I feel like a slug every time I see a younger person who's wildly successful. Like I'm wasting my life away. My yarn isn't selling well enough to please me, and I think I'm a complete failure. Even in the thing I used to think I was best at: being a mom. I have very frightening thoughts about how the kids would be better off without me. The really stupid thing is, I look at how I'm being, and for the most part, it's not bad. I still can get irrationally crabby, but at least I'm not letting it make me inconsistent with how I manage Pearl. For the most part, I am still remaining rational, if not calm.

The biggest thing that I notice missing is my own idealism, or maybe it was just naivete. I used to believe that people, in general, were good. Or at least that they wanted to be. Now I mostly notice how irrational, selfish and thoughtless people are. Including me. I used to believe there was hope that the world would be a better place, and lately, I've been tired of trying to believe it. Sometimes I think that life is too messed up, and I just want a big do-over.

I know that optimist must still be inside me somewhere, or this all wouldn't bother me so much. I think that if I were a true cynic, this would all be just slightly satisfying, as in "See? I knew it all the time." But it's not. It's just.... sad. I have a feeling that I'd better find that idealistic girl again, or at least the optimistic part of her, maybe a little tarnished, but wiser for it. If I don't find her soon, she may be buried forever.

--N

then || now

NAVIGATION
current
archives
cast
rings
profile
email
notes
guestbook
design
diaryland


I AM a 30-year-old mother of 2. I'm a singer, a songwriter, an independent business woman, an artist, a seer of beauty in all things. Welcome.

FEELING The current mood of nightngale_@hotmail.com at www.imood.com

DAILY READS

caerula
evilena
smartypants
weetabix
neon7c
plain-jane
mercurial73


LATELY
My New Page - 2006-04-15
Life is a Magic Thing, Woah. - 2005-11-18
No Dooce for You! - 2005-11-09
The Nicest Thing Anyone Has Ever Said To Me - 2005-09-05
Ugh. Grunt. Some Other Stuff. - 2005-09-01

RANDOM ENTRY

NOW PLAYING
Yuki Kajiura - A Stray Child
Staind - Zoe Jane
Carrie Treder - Inside Glow
Saliva - Rest In Pieces
Chad Kroeger - Hero
India Arie - Ready for Love
Sting - When We Dance

The WeatherPixie

My eBay Sales

Coveting: Hummingbird Spindles (scroll down)and Spinderella's Thrums. That would be like spinning magic.

NOTES
(log in?)
DISCLAIMER
I can't imagine there would be much here to offend anyone, and you're also not required to read these words. If you don't like them, thanks for stopping by, and adios!

all words � ME, 2005.