~~~some assembly required~~~

*some assembly required

Guts
assembled @ 12:13 a.m. on 2001-12-12

I am being very hard on myself right now. It seems that, no matter how I try, this Thing comes out stilted and shallow. My life is not boring. Sure, I'm not on safari in darkest Africa, or touring with Sarah McLachlan, but I sound like such a goof to myself.

Long ago and far away (maybe), I used to care a whole lot about what people thought of me. I would say, or not say something to make sure that I didn't offend them. I would keep my self to myself, and no one would know what I was really thinking. Sure, I was safe, but God, I was lonely. Then this course came along, the Landmark Forum, and more importantly the people that I met there, and I realized that I could be me, that me was pretty cool and I had had no clue about that for all those years. I could say what I thought and I was still safe. Still loved. Now I'm slipping, I guess. I've been away from those friends, and I've made up that I'm not safe with other people. It started out slowly. When I lived in California, I still had the knack for self-expression. I shocked Hero's buddies at first, with my smart-ass remarks and candor, then I became one of the guys. Even when I moved out here to Virginia, I had some of that strength. But now I barely feel it. I am second guessing myself so often. Holding my tongue. Worrying about being left out. Thinking that I will be thought a fool. I still have that small, still voice; the one that tells me that no matter what I see, others see the truth about me and will always love me. But I feel like I'm spinning inside my head. I go in these circles of fear, then trying to fix that, then trying to stop fixing it, then fearing that I am just completely broken and worthless. It sucks. It really, really sucks. I know that I don't have to feel this way, but somehow I use that to bludgeon myself even more. Ah, well, I am having a low moment right now. I am judging the quality of my diary (as if a diary can have such a thing), and finding it lacking. Not that it is actually lacking. That's just a microcosm of how I am viewing my life right now.

I want to go home.

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No welts on my legs last night. But the night before last (Sunday night) they were all over the outsides of my legs, from hip to knee. I woke up with crazy itching at 3 am, and had to log onto the internet to research the symptoms of anthrax. But, after more research, I think they were just hives. I've never had hives before. Like I said in my last entry, I've never had any kind of allergic reaction, so I was completely at a loss. Given the timing of their appearance, I thought the hives were caused by something in our bed sheets, but that theory was shot to hell when I didn't wake up with them this morning. I was talking to Maverick yesterday, and he says they are from not being honest about something. I can think of a few issues that have been bothering me lately, that I've suppressed more than a little. The first being that I never technically graduated from college. I finished all the classes, but they wouldn't let me apply for graduation until I paid off all my tuition, and I wasn't able to do that until just before I moved to California. So now what do I do? I've done all the work, I just don't have the piece of paper that proves it. Still, to tell anyone that I have a BFA in Graphic Design is, technically, a lie. I feel like such a shit.

Second, but minor, and so I don't think this is it, is the production business. Actually, my split feelings about the business. I want the business to be successful because if it does well then not only will I be well-off financially, but I will finally have my music produced. I will finally be able to make a living by singing. And to say that that would be cool would be a gross understatement of a gross understatement. But here's my dilemma: if the business does well, do I have to stay here in Virginia to be loyal? I want so badly to move back to Michigan after Hero's enlistment is up. There's probably a way to work it out, but right now I feel like wanting to go home is undermining Prez's dream. So I never tell him that I want to go back to Michigan, fearing that he'll think I'm disloyal and drop me. Or at the very least, he won't trust me like he has.

I wish more people read this. I'd like to think that I'm talking to friends out there, or at least strangers who would offer an objective opinion. But I do feel better for having spilled my guts, even if there's no one around to mop them up. I fell cleansed, like I've laid everything out on the table.

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I was just getting ready to wrap this thing up when Pearl started crying, so I went in to comfort her. As I lay there, nursing her, I thought of how she adores me, how I am perfect to her. And, for her, I want to see myself that way. I will see myself that way. I know I am a good mother, if for no other reason than I love her so damn much. There are more reasons than that, but maybe it's time I started seeing myself through her eyes.

--N

then || now